Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Why am I Awake?

It's after 1:00 a.m. and I'm still awake!

Davidi is out with his friends. He's home for the week, enjoying the freedom of sleeping when he wants, eating what he wants. He can dress however he wants. For the most part, he is locking his gun in his room, dismantled, and disarmed. It's a freedom I think he is enjoying, a separation that will end too soon.

Aliza is upstairs in bed. Tomorrow, she starts 11th grade. I can't imagine how that happened. How is is possible my youngest child is coming so close to finishing high school. She's all packed. Tomorrow, I'll drive her there.

I'm enjoying every minute of this time with them, missing them already. I'm at such a strange time in my life. For the last 30 years, I have been mother as much as wife. Five years ago, another definition slipped in...grandmother.

Today, Elie came upstairs with his almost-three year old daughter. She decided she wanted pizza and so she and I mixed the dough. I added sauce and cheese and there it was.

A few days ago, she came home from being away for two months with her parents in the States. The change in this little girl is astounding. In just two months, her vocabulary became so extensive (not to mention her New York accent).

For a reason that I can't remember, she said, "Oh My God." And we were all enthralled. David took out his camera and videotaped it. Aliza melts whenever she is near her niece (or her nephews for that matter).

It is a strange (and wonderful) thing to be a grandmother but the definitions in our lives create such challenges. I am a daughter. I am a wife. I am a mother and now a grandmother. Adapting to each role isn't always easy.

As Aliza quickly approaches her 17th birthday, I'm learning I have to let her fly. I don't remember being so possessive with Amira, my oldest. Then, I worried less with three boys but somehow with this youngest one, it seems so much harder.

We figured out that Aliza will be in her last year of school...when her oldest nephew enters first grade. I can't think of that yet - for now, I'll focus on this school year, on a summer that is slowly slipping away.

Or better, maybe I'll focus on going to sleep. Tomorrow will come, no matter what I do and so yes, sleep and rest. One day at a time.


Batya Medad said...

B"H bli eyin haraa they grew up, never dull.

ProphetJoe said...

Paula, I have been a visitor (sometimes daily and sometimes infrequently) to your blog since sometime shortly after Elie joined the army and I find myself thinking "a (almost) 3 year old daughter?? How is that possible?? Didn't he just get married last year??" Oy Vey, time flies faster the older I get!

My wife and I drove our 18-year-old daughter to her freshman dorm (college) about 2 weeks ago. Once we said our good-byes and walked back to our vehicle, then the tears flooded our eyes. It *seems* like just about 2 years ago that I watched her head crown as my wife gave birth to her. Or we held her on our laps as the doctor put a cast on her broken 3-year-old arm. Or the time... or when... or. Sigh.

Logically, I know she is only about 45 minutes away and she is well-prepared for the college experience. I now know that she is homesick as she has called mama frequently, and once in tears. She has been home for a weekend and will return again this weekend for the Labor Day (3-day) weekend. She will go out with her friends. She will taunt her 2 younger brothers. She will sleep in her room just above our bedroom. She is still my princess, but I know in my heart, that she is no longer my little girl.

As I said, time flies faster the older I get.

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