A Conversation Between Old Friends

I'm sitting here in Germany - the only country in the world I thought I would never visit. It's my fifth time visiting for the same conference. Tonight, I'm going to act like a normal person living a normal life...but it's a farce. 

I'll go with friends to dinner. I won't eat anything because I'm kosher. And while they greet each other and me, after not seeing each other for the last 6 months in person, my heart hurts. It's just this ache inside. It tells me not to laugh. 

How can you smile and be happy, it says accusingly? 

And my head answers, you knew you were coming here. What did you expect? This is THE big conference of the year. For goodness sakes, they asked you to present THREE sessions. Just get through it. You like these people. They're wonderful. It'll be okay. We're going home in 3 days. 

It hurts, my heart responds. 

I get it, says my head with little patience. This isn't a vacation. I wouldn't expect you to go on vacation. This is business and we like these people. And they wrote to us after the massacre and sent their thoughts. 

I know, responds my heart. I know. But it hurts. I know, responds my brain. I really know. 

And my eyes start to tear and both my head and my heart tell it to stop. I want to go home, says my eyes. Where every one is crying. Where they understand. I don't want to be here pretending not to cry. 

I know, responds my heart. I know. It hurts. 

I know, responds my brain. I know. It hurts.