You Know You're Israeli When...Bomb Shelter Humor only Israelis can laugh at...

 You Know You're Israeli When...

• The siren goes off and your first instinct is to grab your coffee. The coffee comes first. Always.
  
  
• Your mom called BEFORE the missile alert to warn you. She has better intelligence than the IDF.
  
  
  
• Someone's Bubbe brought a full Shabbat spread into the shelter "just in case it takes a while."
  
  
• The argument about where to sit started before the all-clear siren did.
  
  
• Three people are giving directions to the shelter simultaneously and all three are wrong but very confident.
  
  
• You've already mentally redecorated the shelter. It needs better lighting and a plant.
  
  
• You brought your own pillow because last time the shelter was "not acceptable."
  
  
• You're annoyed at the missiles not because of the danger but because they interrupted your favorite show at the worst moment.
  
  
• You immediately check if there's a minyan. There are nine men. Someone is making phone calls.
  
  
• You've rated three different shelters on Google Maps and left detailed reviews.
  
  
• You're arguing with a stranger about the best route to the shelter while standing IN the shelter.
  
  
• Your dog is calmer than everyone in the room combined.
  
  
• Someone pulled out a deck of cards within 45 seconds. They had it in their pocket. They were ready.
  
  
• You're not scared, you're just annoyed that the timing ruined your dinner reservation.
  
  
• You brought snacks for yourself and somehow also fed twelve people.
  
  
• Someone is already telling a story that starts with "In '73..." and cannot be stopped.
  
  
• You're live-posting the entire thing and your followers abroad are more panicked than you are.
  
  
• You've mentally calculated which of your neighbors would be most useful in a survival situation. Spoiler: it's the one who served in a combat unit and also happens to make incredible shakshuka.
  
  
• You found out there's a shelter WhatsApp group. You've already been added. There are 247 unread messages.
  
  
• You walked to the shelter without rushing because you have dignity and also you've done this before.
  
  
• Someone brought a bluetooth speaker. Someone else already has an opinion about the music selection.
  
  
• You're more upset about leaving your hummus on the counter than about the incoming missiles.
  
  
• The second the alert is over, you're already complaining about how LONG that took.
  
  
• You know at least four people in this shelter from the army. Three of them you owe money to.

Things Israelis think or say in a bomb shelter:

"This is my third war in this apartment. The location is terrible but the rent is locked in."

"Last time I was down here I met my accountant. He still overcharges me."

"My therapist told me to avoid stressful situations. She did not account for living here."

"The shelter has better neighbors than my actual floor, to be honest."

"I've lived here twenty years. I know this shelter better than my own living room."

"My ex is probably in a shelter right now too. I hope it's a worse one."

"You know what this place needs? A coffee machine. Someone write to the municipality."

"I had a date tonight. She said she couldn't make it because of the situation. I'm 80% sure she was lying and 20% sure she was lying."

"Last time we were in here for two hours. I learned everything about the woman next to me. She's still in my contacts as 'Shelter Ruth.'"

"I've made more friends in shelters than at any bar in my life. There's a networking opportunity here nobody is talking about."

"The kids are fine. The adults are pretending to be fine. The dog has figured everything out."

"Someone here has started telling me about their back surgery and I cannot escape."

"I don't know this man's name but I know he's had four marriages and his son is a disappointment. We've been here eleven minutes."

"My phone is at 4%. This is the real emergency."

"I should have charged my phone. I KNEW I should have charged my phone. I had all day."

"If I survive this I'm moving to... actually Tel Aviv is still the best city in the world, never mind."

"I've seen this ceiling so many times I could paint it from memory."

"Someone just offered me a bamba. In times like these, you accept the bamba."

"My landlord hasn't fixed the shelter light since 2019. I've sent seventeen messages. Maybe now he'll respond."

"The guy next to me is explaining geopolitics. He is wrong about everything but very passionate. I respect it."

"I was just about to fall asleep when the siren went. I've never been more personally insulted by international relations."

"There are six people in here with the same phone case and I don't know what to do with that information."

"The one night I actually went to bed early. The ONE night."