What the World's Leaders Think about the Iran-Israel-America War

We can never know what goes through the thoughts of the leaders of the countries in this world...but I'm in that kind of a mood after spending much of the last two days in and out of our bomb shelters along with any bomb shelter I could fine whever I left my house. So, here's my best guess as to what world leaders are feeling, or worse, saying. These are only guesses.

So if you don't like what I wrote about your country's leader, vote for someone else in the next elections - especially in Canada and the UK.

Canada

Of course, we want to strongly condemn the Israeli assassination of the Supreme Leader and much of the rest of the Iranian government in a ...what? Of course, Canada supports the US actions to destroy Iran's nuclear program. We support the US actions to prevent the Iranian regime from threatening international peace and security and I do want to say that Canada did not know in advance, never suspected and certainly did not offer our airspace. Oh, right, I forgot the direction. So, we would like to reiterate the US position if they'll lower the tariffs...and what?

Ok, I'd like to make Canada's position clear...what is our position? Yes, yes, the Islamic Republic of Iran is the principal source of instability and terror thorughout the Middle East. I know I said it was Israel but now I need to say it's Iran. because Iran, has one of the world's worst human rights records and must never be allowed to obtain or develop nuclear weapons.

And we express our support for all those countries that have been targeted by Iran, including, of course, our allies, Syria, China, and...what? Yes, of course, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman...where's Oman...never mind, and of course our dear friends on Cyprus, a fellow C country like Canada.

Lebanon

I told them in Hezbollah not to fire...what are they thinking? Ah, reporters, yes, yes...bring them in....Comment...yes, I have a comment. Israel is wrong. It wasn't Hezbollah. It was...um...someone else. Someone else with rockets but not us. We have complete control of our land. Israel should leave us to deal with this...no...um, we don't know who fired rockets into Israel but it wasn't Hezbollah. What? How do I know it wasn't Hezbollah? Silly question. Why would Hezbollah fire on Israel. No, really. We're good.

Germany

I have already warned that the US-Israeli strikes (not that I'm saying anything against the Jews) on Iran risks getting us all in yet another Iraq-style quagmire. Yes, that's my word, quagmire but Berlin has decided it will not lecture Washington as we really need the US to help us end the war in Ukraine before it gets to Germany. And though is stresses me to do so, I need to echo...what's his first name again? Keir...yes I need to echo Keir Starmer's words that we too are willing to help the US and Israel, but really, in a very limited way and we'd like to reiterate that we have no bases in Cyprus.

France

What did I announce yesterday? That the Iran attack was wrong. Yes, it was because you know they might come after us. Oh, the microphone is on? Okay, so today, we'll say that we condemn Iran and we'll stand with the US and then tomorrow...what? That won't work? Of course it will. We've been doing this for centuries!

We surrender! Oh, sorry. Not yet?

So thank you very much. We'll have another statement tomorrow. What? Of course, I made a statement today...I just don't remember what it was. But I do want to thank the Pew Reseach Center for letting us know that 8.8% of our population is Muslim and I'm sure that there's nothing to be concerned about. I'd also like to point out that while 67% of the immigrants who came to France between 2010 and 2016 were Muslim, it is important to explain that we're 3rd on the list, unlike our British colleagues.

Cyprus

What? Us? Iran hit us? What the hell for?

Britain

We will not allow the US to use our bases for this war against Iran. We...what? They hit our base? But we told them the UK wasn't involved! It wasn't our idea! Why'd they go hit us when the American bases are right there! What more did they want us to say? What...okay, so, to protect the British Empire...what do you mean there's no British Empire? Fine. Okay.

So after speaking to the US President, we are ordering British jets in the air as part of a coordinated defense operation to intercept Iranian strikes. And to prevent Iran from firing and endangering British lives and because bloody hell, they hit our base in Cyprus, we have taken the decision to let the US use our bases but remember, we didn't agree to do the first raid so don't come after us again, okay?

And in thinking about Britain and its interest in the world. I too would like to thank the Pew Report for the information us that we received the largest total number of immigrants and that 43% of them were Muslim. Isn't that lovely? I must invite them for some tea. What? They won't sit with me because I'm an infidel. I'm sure that I'm not.

Austria

We condemn the US and Israel, omg, Israel, for attacking the Iranians and...what? They got him? Oh, okay, the American attack on Iran has opened a window for the people of Iran and we hope they come to visit Austria.

Belgium

We condemn the attacks on Iran in the strongest possible terms and ask the Iranians not to attack any of our interests. We don't have any bases in Cyprus, right?

Finland

It's been very cold with a lot of snow and...oh, right, so we condemn...who? Iran, yes, we condemn Iran's unjustifiable and indiscriminate strikes on the countries of the region...Bahrain, Oman, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and, of course, Cyprus. Even those of us who were working towards a diplomatic solution and really believed the Iranians would never try to get a nuclear weapon or fire those ballistic missiles are now being targeted. What's up with that? For God's sake, have you no decency? WHY did you fire on Cyprus?

Greece

Listen, Greece's main tourist season is about to start so I want to stress that we are worried about Greek citizens and we want to ask the Iranians not to fire nuclear or ballistic weapons at us and to also check the wind direction because you know, sometimes the wind comes from the east and well, you know.

Hungary

Hungary is very concerned and has raised its counterterrorism level, and we want to use the strikes against Iran as an opportunity tos peak about the Russian pipeline through central Europe that Ukraine is trying to shut down. And honestly, having Ukraine on our border is really not something we like. Of course, we wouldn't want the Iranians there either so...oh, no, we don't have any bases in Cyprus either. Would anyone like some sweet tea? Don't mind if I do. Thank you.

Ireland

We would like to express our grave concern. I know people have called Ireland one of the most antisemitic countries in Europe but honestly, the point is that the Jews are probably right this time and even though they control the world media and banks, Iran should probably not be allowed to get nuclear weapons.

Spain

As many of you know, Spain has a long and cherished history with the Jewish people and I believe everyone should own one...what? Sorry...no. Look, let's be honest. Until we expelled them, well, a few hundred years before, we truly had a lovely relationship with the Jewish people. Anyway, as to today, we reject the unilateral miliary action by the United States and Israel against the poor Iranian government. We send our condolences to the families of ....too strong? Okay, yes, well, I'd like to point out that we cannot afford another prolonged and devastating war in the Middle East. First, that October thing the Jews complained about and now this. Honestly, they were much easier to control back in the 1400s. Anyway, we think we should all make peace and visit Barcelona, well, not Jewish women but let's be clear we don't have any bases in Cyprus.

In Conclusion...

While I'm sure most of the world's leaders would be more diplomatic than their thoughts, I'm probably not that far off for most of the countries. After all, to most of these people, it all boils down to those troublesome Jews...