What Value Does an Apology Have and How Do You Correctly Apologize? A Guide...

People are quick to apologize, often doing it mindlessly. You step on someone's foot and you apologize. Your job is done, let's move on. You cut in line or cut someone off on the road, you wave your hand, oops, sorry, and you're on your way again.

But that's not the way it is supposed to be done. This week started the Hebrew month of Elul. I could write many posts just on Elul itself. The short version is, it's a month of preparation. It comes immediately before the month of Tishrei which begins with Rosh Hashana and ends with Sukkot. And there between the two is the most solemn day in Judaism, Yom Kippur.

It is in Elul that we begin preparing to apologize to God. But in truth, apologizing to God is worlds away from the "oops, sorry" we throw out when we bump someone or cut someone off. First let me talk about the concept, then the implementation (that's the tech writer in me).

In concept, an apology must be more than words. Something was done that caused you to apologize. Therefore, your apology must contain action. Words do not resolve action. In Judaism, when you commit a

wrong, there is a process by which you mitigate that wrong. That mitigation is called "tshuva" which is loosely translated as "repentance". In truth, repentance is the goal, but it's only one part of tshuva.

The root of the Hebrew word tshuva (תשובה) is SH-U-V (ש-ו-ב), which means "to return". This concept of returning is central to the meaning of Tshuva. So while people define tshuva as repentance, what it really means is returning, returning to God, to a previous state before the wrong was committed, or to one's true and kinder nature

Tshuva includes an apology. That apology is given only when three things happen. First, you understand the depth of what you have done, and second you are truly and deeply sorry. Regret what you have done and understand it shouldn't have been done. And third, you compensate or take steps to mitigate. This doesn't have to be a monetary thing at all - that too is American. In Judaism, it is words. It means telling the truth, going to those to whom you lied and letting them know what really happened.

In a Facebook conversation with one of the 80 "Jewish leaders," men and women, who penned a letter telling the world of the sins they imagine Israel has committed, the man write "I do not reg There have been times that I have hoped someone would not repent, as horrible as that sounds. Times I was felt I was owed an apology and then would be obligated to accept it and so I was grateful that no apology was forthcoming.

Here they offer an apology without, amazingly enough, understanding the Jewish way of what an apology is. How very American of them. Be polite and apologize and the words perform magic. No, it's not like that. Tshuva includes an apology. That apology is given only when three things happen. First, you understand the depth of what you have done, and second you are truly and deeply sorry. Regret what you have done and understand it shouldn't have been done. And third, you compensate or take steps to mitigate. This doesn't have to be a monetary thing at all - that too is American. In Judaism, it is words. It means telling the truth, going to those to whom you lied and letting them know what really happened.

Not one of these things has happened with the writers of that letter. They don't understand what they've done. They don't regret it. They will do nothing to take back the self-righteous power they have given to the side of evil.

And apparently that makes these men and women arrogant enough to think they have the right to tell a sovereign nation and a proud and tortured people what we should do. Actually, it doesn't.

What it has done is make many of us realize how wrong it is to believe that someone who carries the title of "rabbi" automatically has earned our respect. It is shocking how little these "rabbis" understand the harm they have caused, the anger, the disappointment.

And worst of all, they have reinforced the opinion that few American Jews really understand much about Israel. I know this to be true about most of my cousins; I'm shocked that it is even true of people who call themselves rabbis - Orthodox or otherwise.